We grow through what we go through. And like all difficult moments in life, having difficult conversations are opportunities for us to grow. Grow as people, grow better relationships and grow stronger in ourselves. In reality, it is quite natural to shy away from them because, well, they’re difficult to have!
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With a few of her own behind her, life coach Caleigh Opperman shares how to have difficult conversations with the important people in your life:
How to have difficult conversations with your parents
Scenario: You need them to back off from parenting you and your children.
Sometimes parents can forget how to stop parenting, even when their children become parents themselves.
Mothers and fathers will always worry about their children, but there are times when they need to step back and let your life take its own path. This type of conversation can be especially difficult because you don’t want to shame your parent for caring.
Caleigh notes that expressing your outcome correctly is essential here. Choose your language carefully and come from a place of kindness.
“Phrases such as ‘back off’ and ‘get out of my space’ can be aggressive. If you bring phrases of that energy into the conversation, you are only going to get that same energy back. Every action has an opposite but equal reaction. Writing down notes, especially if you are someone who gets flustered, will help.”
Scenario: They need to move into an assisted-living facility.
Taking away someone’s independence is tough, even tougher still when they are your own parents. Caleigh reiterates how important respect is when having this conversation. It’s not so much about acknowledging your responsibility as much as it is acknowledging that you are still their child.
“Remember that they are your parents and did everything for you,” says Caleigh. “You want to respect them for the life they have lived, and if you can, make them part of the process. They are going to be the ones living there.”
While doing your own research is a good idea, keep them part of the decision-making by going to viewings together. This also gives them time to come to terms with the decision, and having you listen to their concerns and validate their feelings is part of respect. Remind them that this is about them, their safety, quality of living and health.
How to have difficult conversations with your partner
Scenario: You would like more support with chores and children.
“I find that a lot of my female clients come to me because they are struggling to find a general balance in their lives, especially working mothers who are experiencing ‘mom guilt’,” says Caleigh.
She suggests concentrating on your outcome here. Your partner will need a defined idea of what you are trying to achieve in order to best support you. Do you need more time alone or do you need more time for work? Or are you struggling to stimulate the kids with enough fun learning?
“Explain what is going on in your head and give your partner more insight into your day to day. Give examples of how they can help you,” says Caleigh.
Keep in mind though, these conversations do not have instant resolve. You and your partner will have to work through this until you find the balance that supports both of you. If you and your partner are struggling to be on the same page, it may be useful to reach out to a life coach as a mediator.
“Often, I find this happens because there is a miscommunication. A mediator will help translate the needs of each in a way both can hear,” says Caleigh.
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Scenario: You need more from your sex life.
Intimacy comes in many forms, but sex is an essential part of a healthy relationship. It is also one of the most sensitive topics to discuss.
Come from a place of kindness so your partner doesn’t recoil in shame – but putting shame and guilt on yourself is an unnecessary placement of energy too. In such a scenario with her clients, Caleigh first tries to find the source of frustration.
“I try and understand the fundamentals of where it has come from and the direction of the conversation,” she says. This self-reflection is critical in having an honest talk, rather than an angry one. Honesty will also remind you of what is still good. Share the positives with your partner – they’ll need to hear it.
Be ready to listen and receive. Your partner may bring up a perspective of your own responsibility in the situation that you may not have considered. Just as you are hoping your partner will be open to your side of the conversation, you must be open to theirs and give them the space to express themselves. “And be patient,” says Caleigh, as more often than not this will be a series of continuous conversations, both in action and interaction.
How to have difficult conversations with your boss
Scenario: Asking for a raise.
When talking to someone at work who is on a higher hierarchical level than you, it’s difficult to feel like you have the space to ask for what you want.
“You might be struggling because you initially feel you don’t deserve a raise – but you do! Write down the reasons why and take them with you to the conversation,” says Caleigh.
If you are trying to make ends meet with other side hustles, don’t feel guilty about bringing that into the conversation.
“If a raise means you can concentrate on your primary employment, let your boss know that,” says Caleigh. No one can argue with getting more of the best of you.
How to have difficult conversations with your children
Scenario: Explaining that you and your partner are separating/divorcing.
Having to split up your child’s family is every parent’s worst nightmare.
“Before you go into this conversation, it is really important to consider your children’s individual sensitivity. What are they exceptionally sensitive to?” says Caleigh.
Your outcome should be made with this in mind to stabilise their emotions in this situation. This is paramount in protecting them from feeling blame. You and your partner should acknowledge a collective responsibility in the separation.
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Speak honestly. “And whatever you do, don’t manipulate or bad mouth each other, especially when you have a lot of co-parenting to do,” says Caleigh, as this will only result in children doing the same. Your main goal of this conversation is to ensure children know that no matter what their family will look like moving forward, they are loved.
“When everything is changing, this must be the constant that you and your partner are determined to come together on,” says Caleigh. “Then you create a space for children to ask questions. It is imperative that they feel like they are being heard and can voice anything they may be confused about.”
As someone who has experienced her own parent’s divorce, Caleigh has a personal reflection on such scenarios:
“I found that when my parents separated, I just wanted them to remember the love they once shared for each other that brought my sister and I into being. So as parents, it’s important to remember that even though you are no longer in love, nor want to spend the rest of your lives together now, there was a time that you did.”
Respect this and your children will come out learning some wonderful lessons from both of you.
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Feature Image: Pexels
