When researching women’s guilty pleasures, Robyn Simpson questioned why the negative association exists at all. Instead, she suggests casting aside the unnecessary burden of shame and embracing the liberating power of rebellion.
“Soaking in a hot bath, savouring a late-night chocolate, and relishing in moments of peace and quiet are often regarded as guilty pleasures for some women. In my attempt to uncover the rationale behind this, I searched for more sinister guilt-inducing acts.”
Call the pizza police
Guilt is associated with the realisation of having committed an offence or crime, either explicitly or implicitly.
In an article published by Shape, Beyoncé revealed her guilty pleasure: eating pizza without any restrictions – but only on Sundays. Similarly, for me, it entails a generous spoonful of peanut butter on fresh white bread, without any preference for artisanal sourdough over the humble garage loaf.
Parking lot peace
My quest for indulgences that evoke a sense of guilt extends beyond the realm of the pantry. Along with mischievous snacks, many women confess to binge-watching reality TV, shopping online and seeking novel ways to relish moments of tranquil seclusion.
I’ve dubbed the last point ’parking lot peace’. It involves remaining seated in the car for a few extra moments longer than necessary and serves as a quiet retreat from the chaos of daily life, including the demands of children and, for some, partners. This trend has gained serious momentum, elevating it to the status of a bona fide movement.
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It appears as though most guilty pleasures consist of snacks and self- care, with no criminal intent involved. However, the question arises as to why these innocuous practices are associated with guilt. It all stems from judgement – both societal and self-imposed…
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The root of all guilt
I pondered my affection for peanut butter. Consuming more than a teaspoon of the good stuff on inexpensive white bread may seem indulgent, but this perceived ‘guilty pleasure’ is often fuelled by the unsubstantiated opinions of others.
Some folks act like eating white bread is akin to making a deal with the devil, but let’s be real: it’s just flour that’s been refined. Similarly, Beyoncé’s self-imposed restriction on certain foods from Monday to Saturday is an example of how we internalise these external expectations, allowing them to dictate our behaviour and create an unwarranted sense of guilt (from breaking our own rules, no less). It’s essential to question the validity of these standards.
Yielding to societal expectations is arguably worse. While it may be a source of humour shared over a glass of wine with the girls, seeking refuge from your children and significant other in a parked car is rather disheartening. The pressure to conform to social norms can compel us to deprive ourselves of necessities, such as rest or uninterrupted time in the loo.
One of my colleagues, a mother of a teenage daughter and toddler twins, recounted announcing her need to use the bathroom as a guise to lock herself in her room for a quarter-hour of solitude.
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It looks like we’re all on the FBI’s most wanted list. But don’t fret; the laws we’re breaking are hooey. Beyoncé can rest easy knowing that she won’t be locked up for going all-out on pizza every Sunday, and we won’t be serving hard time for taking a breather from our partners in a parking lot. Let’s face it, the real culprit here is the random standards we’ve learned to take to heart.
Practising self-care and embracing guilty pleasures need not be mutually exclusive. Rather, incorporating small moments of pleasure into our daily lives can help us feel more fulfilled, or at the very least, sane. By acknowledging the expectations that we face and actively making choices that align with our values and needs, we might strike a balance between meeting the demands of the world around us and taking care of ourselves.
Ditch the guilt, relish in the pleasure
By removing the stigma, we allow ourselves to fully enjoy life’s simple pleasures without judgement or remorse. And yes, you can change the rules – you probably made them up in the first place. Here are a few tips:
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Practise self-compassion.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said that happiness is not a goal; it’s a by-product. Whether you find solace in watching an episode of The Real Housewives of Durban or indulge in a midnight treat of ice cream stashed away from your children, refrain from berating yourself and rather savour the experience.
Set realistic expectations.
Countless women feel guilty because they hold themselves to unrealistic expectations, or attempt to conform to those of others. It’s essential to align your expectations with your abilities and circumstances, as well as with the things that bring you joy.
Paulo Coelho said: “When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.”
Ask for help!
For goodness’ sake, there’s no harm in it, and you certainly shouldn’t feel shame over reaching out.
It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of believing that we have to do it all ourselves and that asking for help is a sign of weakness. In reality, it’s a sign of strength and an acknowledgment that we all need support at times.
Sonia Sotomayor, an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, said: “The truth is, no one does it alone. No one has ever accomplished anything worth doing entirely by themselves. Every successful person had help along the way.”
Set boundaries:
Brené Brown’s quote on boundary-setting serves as a poignant reminder that putting our own needs first often takes great courage. Women, in particular, may struggle with the pressure to please others, leading to a prioritisation of others’ needs over their own well-being. So, we seek refuge in bathrooms and cars to escape the judgement.
Of course, setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, particularly when we risk disappointing or upsetting those closest to us. However, as Brené points out, it is precisely in those moments when we need to muster the courage to love ourselves enough to say ‘no’ or ‘not now’.
By establishing and communicating our limits and needs, we create a sense of agency and empower ourselves. As we cultivate the practice of setting boundaries, we may discover that the guilt we once associated with pleasure is unwarranted.
The sweet taste of rebellion
While I find it important to sever the correlation between guilt and pleasure, I’d hate to strip elements of primacy and social resistance from the equation. After all, this is what makes guilty pleasures so satisfying. They’re a bit naughty. Some rebranding, I reckon. How does ‘rebellious pleasure’ sound?
Rather than changing the narrative, we could flip the script. The next time you indulge in a pleasure and feel a twinge of guilt, use it as an opportunity for self-reflection. Consider what you need, enjoy and want, as well as what others demand and expect of you.
Treat it as a social experiment with yourself, gathering data to either ignore or establish boundaries according to your own wishes. This way, you can still relish in the thrill of eating ice cream from a hidden stash, minus the shame.
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