Quarter-life crisis, midlife crisis or midweek crisis (we’ve all been there). No matter which stage you’re at in life (or crisis), the overarching sense of feeling lost, like you’re running out of time or don’t know what you’re meant to be doing, is universal and timeless.
The problem with any sort of identity crisis, is that more often than not, they’re dismissed, misunderstood, or worst of all, romanticised.
For the person going through it, there is often a heavy psychological toll that doesn’t always look like an adventure of self-discovery or a cruise down the highway on a recently purchased motorcycle for sale. Identity crises can manifest as someone who hasn’t made any major changes to their regular transport means, reflecting as signs of being inconsistent, impulsive, unusually anxious, snappy and even depressed.
Fear not! There are ways to navigate any identity crisis, whether you’re 25 or 65, are dealing with one yourself, or know someone in the trenches. Here’s the game plan:
1. Understand what an identity crisis is at its core
One of the most pressing problems with any crisis linked to our identities is that we’re sold the wrong image. Media, books and films are all guilty of creating a comedic guise for this kind of experience. This leads to others not taking it as seriously as sometimes needed.
Now, I’m not saying that there aren’t humorous moments, or that a little laughter isn’t a helpful way to deal with it. Sometimes in those moments of deep self-reflection, we might catch ourselves cracking a smile or laughing at ourselves for “being the drama” in our own lives. The point isn’t to force a serious situation, but rather to know when it is one.
The core
An identity crisis is generally defined as someone questioning their place in the world. Searching for meaning. Asking that big question, “who am I?” on repeat.
More often than not, this experience is spurred by some change. That change could be the number of candles on a birthday cake, a big move, a switch up in our careers or even traditional moments where we’re supposed to feel joy—like getting promoted, married or having a child.
But sometimes these things trigger the parts of ourselves that don’t know this new experience yet.
What if I’m not a good parent?
What if I can’t handle this new job title?
What if I am getting older and I don’t know what I want from this stage of my life?
Quarter and midlife crises are types of identity crises. An identity crisis doesn’t sneak into your life as though universal forces around you know it’s your 50th birthday. It can happen at any stage and any age.
German developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, who laid the groundwork for identity crisis in his Stages of Development, believed that identity was an incredibly significant part of being human. Because identity is important to us, lacking a good understanding of our identities can put our brains in chaos mode.
Symptoms are usually classed as:
- Feeling insecure in yourself
- Not trusting your own judgement or your gut instincts
- Questioning people around you
- Despair toward the future
- Feeling like you’re running out of time
- Feeling shame
- Increased anxiety
- Increased aggression
Why our brains go into chaos mode
Our brains are hardwired to protect us from threats. So when a change happens (even if it’s a good one) we may often find ourselves feeling the need to self-sabotage, to get back to what’s comfortable. In return, this leads us to that feeling of being stuck between what we knew and what we do not know yet, and not knowing which side to pick.
2. Investigate the ‘why’ a little deeper
Now that we know the ‘what’, a deeper look into the ‘why’ becomes all-important.
An identity, or its lack, is strongly linked to the ego.
The ego has been dissected and studied from the times of ancient philosophers and likely well before that. If you had to ask Eckhart Tolle, the ego is also something of a naysayer, terrified of amounting to nothing, that can be dissolved. It isn’t who you are entirely, but rather who you think you are.
But, if we can be aware of the ego and note when it’s going off on a bit of a rant, we start to have a better understanding of why we feel in crisis mode. This is where your motivations and intentions come into play.
If your ego wants to be a big shot in business, your identity crisis might be because the promotion you got didn’t fill the void, and you can’t figure out why. You’re reflecting on the secret dreams you had to be an artist that you squashed because of your ego, and now you feel torn. But if you can get to the root and know what the real conflict between you and yourself is, the whole process becomes a little easier to detangle.
3. Take note of what triggers the sensation and what soothes it
Even if you can’t get to all your root causes, you can still weed out your triggers.
These could be:
- Spending too much time on social media, subconsciously comparing your life to others
- Breaking out of routines that usually make you feel grounded
- Social interactions you feel you’ve outgrown
- A work situation where you don’t set boundaries
Now, it’s up to you to soothe these triggers but parenting yourself in some moments, and being a better you to yourself in others.
4. Learn how to parent yourself
Parenting ourselves is one of the most underrated self-love techniques! It means self-love mixed with discipline. Making sure you’re eating right, going to bed at the same time to maintain a better sleep cycle, setting ground rules for how much time you spend on your phone or laptop…you get the picture.
I know, I know. The last thing you want to do during a time you feel unpredictable is stick to a routine. However, it’s the best way to let your brain know that it is not, in fact, under threat—quelling the anxiety a little in the process with predictability.
5. Learn how to be in a relationship with yourself
The next portion of soothing comes from another kind of self-love beyond enforcing discipline.
Taking yourself on dates, treating yourself to a night in with wine and your favourite show or taking yourself to a restaurant you love helps you identify what you enjoy outside of professional spaces or relationships where you feel “compelled” to do things.
Amid the routine, work in some new activities and hobbies. Try and test what you enjoy, but most importantly do the individual work where you check in with yourself. Make ‘to-done’ lists to remind yourself of all the small victories you’ve achieved in the day. Journal like it’s your job. Listen to the experiences of others on podcasts and find some peace in knowing although you feel alone, you aren’t. Earn your own trust back, and find out what this version of you actually enjoys.
6. Professional help exists for a reason!
If you’ve tried all of the above but still haven’t quite cracked the code on yourself, chat to a therapist. Sometimes having someone listen to all the things you don’t want to weigh on those around you truly is the best medicine. It doesn’t mean you’ve got a severe mental issue, but rather that you need a professional ear— and there’s no shame in that whatsoever.
7. Closure on your chapters
Something we don’t talk about enough is the grief of ending chapters of our lives. When you’ve taken all the above steps and still feel there’s one thing missing, it’s probably closure. It’s okay to properly say goodbye to chapters in your life so that you can fully embrace the present—even if it’s just a note on your phone to the yous that came before. Take comfort in knowing that just because you aren’t the same person from a previous chapter, doesn’t mean their lessons haven’t created the present you. We’re all a beautiful jigsaw of all our experiences, and sometimes thanking our past selves for getting us this far can feel like a hug.
Feature Image: Pexels
