American jazz legend Duke Ellington famously said, ‘A problem is a chance to do your best’. But when your problem involves other people, how do you have those difficult conversations?
We grow through what we go through. And like all difficult moments in life, having difficult conversations are opportunities for us to grow. Grow as people, grow better relationships and grow stronger in ourselves. In reality, it is quite natural to shy away from them because, well, they’re difficult to have!
Mel Robbins is a former lawyer, CNN legal analyst and Sony Pictures talk-show host. Now she is one of the world’s most booked speakers. Mel is also a mother of three and has been married to her husband for almost 30 years. And as an author of motivational self-help books with millions of YouTube followers watching her inspiring videos, Mel is the wisest person to turn to for a guide on life’s difficult conversations. With a few behind her, Mel created a four-step approach to staying focused and not getting hijacked by emotions.
All images: Jack Sparrow on pexels.com.
ONE: acknowledge responsibility
Honesty is the best policy, right? Before you enter a difficult conversation, it is important to be honest with yourself. Accept your own place in the situation.
By accepting some responsibility, you are diffusing the other person’s emotion. You are also honouring them a little bit and it sets a much more level playing field for when you get into the difficult things that you need to talk about,’ Mel explains.
Local life coach Caleigh Opperman agrees. ‘It really comes down to respect. Respect in knowing what the other person has gone through, and creating a space where you can hear them and their concerns.’ Plus, acknowledging your responsibility in a situation ensures you don’t come into the conversation with the idea that you are instantly the one who’s right.
TWO: have an outcome in mind
It goes without saying that difficult conversations can get emotional. Have a goal in mind – a reason why you are having this conversation. It is crucial to getting through it. ‘When you ride the rollercoaster of emotion, the thing that is going to stabilise your thoughts is the outcome,’ says Mel. Return to this when you feel yourself getting tangled in emotions and remind the other person why you are there.
THREE: listen and validate
With emotions high, it is easy to become argumentative, but that is usually when we stop listening.
Instead of arguing or debating the topic, listen and validate what the person is saying. One of the most powerful things you can do in a conversation is hear where the person’s at,’ says Mel.
And when you acknowledge responsibility, it helps to diffuse emotion – and showing empathy towards the other person prevents the talk from turning defensive, and opens up both of you to listen.
FOUR: restate the outcome
‘Keep coming back to it,’ reiterates Mel. The outcome you have in mind will act like your mantra, making sure that you stay on the path of what you hope to achieve. End the conversation powerfully by restating your outcome again.
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