A divorce is no easy decision, and while the parents may be dealing with their own emotions, another task awaits them: breaking the news to their children. Talking to your children about divorce the right way can make a huge difference in how they process their emotions and deal with their concerns about the future. Learn how to approach the subject in the gentlest way possible.
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So you’ve made the most difficult decision in your life – divorce. You’re dealing with the death of a dream, an ordeal by itself. Now you have to have another difficult conversation: telling your children. While it’s natural to worry about how they’ll react, the way you handle this conversation can make a massive difference in how your kids process the change.
We all know children need stability, honesty and reassurance. So keeping the discussion calm and age-appropriate and focusing on their needs can make them feel secure during an incredibly uncertain time.
Plan the conversation together
Most likely, the parents have irreconcilable differences, but that doesn’t mean all that emotional baggage need to be on display in front of the children. If possible, make the choice to set it aside and tell the children together. This shows that although the relationship has changed, parenting will still be done as a unit.
Choose a quiet time and allow space and time for questions afterwards. Avoid breaking the news before a major life event, before bedtime or school.
Keep the explanation simple but honest
No need to go into the details of why you’re divorcing. Instead, explain how each parent has changed and that living separately is the best decision for the family.
Use clear language that children will understand, and whatever you do, don’t blame or criticise the other parent. Younger kids will need simple explanations, while older ones might want more detailed explanations.
Reassure them that it isn’t their fault
Children might silently believe that they caused the separation through bad behaviour. They might even express this. Reassure them that it isn’t the case, and that separation is an adult decision and that it has nothing to do with they did or didn’t do.
This is the time when both parents repeat and reassure them that they are loved and that it will never change.
Be transparent about what will change
They might worry about practical things: where they’ll live, how often they’ll see the other parent, whether they’ll have to change schools, and what will stay the same. You may not have all the answers and it’s okay to say so. Promise to keep them informed as decisions are being made.
Welcome every emotion
They may be angry, withdrawn or unaffected. Every emotion is valid and should not be corrected at this time. Encourage your child to ask questions and let them know that it’s okay to be upset or sad. Remember, they are also mourning a life that was their ‘normal’.
Maintain routines
Keep familiar routines around meal times, school and bedtime to make them feel secure. If they’re struggling, don’t hesitate to seek out professional support.
More than anything, remind them through words and actions that they are supported and that the family as a whole will make it through the transition together.
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