There’s a common wish that has threaded human desires together since our humblest beginnings, even without realising it: To be understood.
“There’s nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood and simply understanding someone else,” novelist Brad Meltzer once mused.
When we attain this feeling, whether it is in an unintentionally deep conversation with a stranger on the street, or simply the tired smile of someone you don’t know at the shops that says ‘I understand’, the feeling of being understood no matter who allows us to feel it, can stay with us forever.
But what happens when the people we want to be most understood by, simply don’t seem to give us the room for that understanding? And what happens when it’s a particularly emotive situation where two parties simply can’t compromise?
We’ve been told through books and in films, by Instagram psychologists and the friend who always gives us relationship advice over another “I need your advice” cup of coffee (or a few shots of tequila depending on how intense the situation is) that communication is key. But what does this phrase actually require?
The first problem with most failed communications is that we spend far more time thinking about conversations after they’ve happened, or before.
We’ve all been guilty of laying awake hours after an unsettling chat, imagining what we’d rather have said, or preempting for a conversation that lies before us, scripting other people’s responses.
The second problem with communication being ‘key’ is that it is futile if one or both parties aren’t willing to actually listen. In short, communication isn’t key, comprehension is. I encourage you to read that again.
Although the exact author of the phrase is unknown, the sentiment has been widely shared on social media and offered many people a different take on hard conversations.
What does it mean?
As Medium wrote in an article: “communication is one of the cornerstones of any relationship.” However, there becomes little point in talking for hours if someone is not willing to comprehend what you’re saying.
Comprehension refers to truly taking something in, marinading on it, and most importantly having the intention of seeing someone else’s perspective.
How do we start?
To this question, the experts will point you in the direction of a friend called ‘active listening’.
Active listening is a technique that requires concentration, understanding, response and memory. According to the publication Positive Psychology, there are ways to navigate these waters, even for even the most seemingly unchartered explorers. Here are a few pointers.
1. Nonverbal involvement
Nodding in understanding, making eye contact, observing body language and the like are all ways that we listen without our ears. This ticket is all about being attentive – telling your body to pay attention using other senses.
2. Listen to the person and not your own thoughts
How many times have we been guilty of waiting in a conversation instead of listening? We wait for the other party to finish so that we can add what we want to say, but communication requires really listening over simply hearing.
3. Practice non-judgement
If you arrive at a conversation with judgement, I have some bad news for you – it’s probably going to result in further heat. However, if you try your best to look at things like Switzerland, in terms of neutrality, you might find that you hear things completely differently.
4. Tolerate silence
Silence doesn’t always need to be filled, despite the extrovert’s urge to populate emptiness with chatter. Sometimes we need silence as a much-needed break to process what’s been said.
5. Paraphrase
By putting a remix on sentences that have been addressed in our own way, we formulate our own understanding. “So you’re saying…” is a pretty effective way to lead as it leans into how you have interpreted the communication. An added bonus of this pointer is that any miscommunications are vocalised.
6. Ask questions
Communication isn’t a test in which you have to get all the answers right. We ask questions so we can iron out misunderstandings, and more often than not, asking instead of assuming goes a very long way.
Slow down tiger, that’s not all there is to it.
Active listening is only one baby in this bathtub. If you really want to give your all when it comes to comprehension, there’s another friend to invite to the party – ’empathetic listening’.
Empathetic listening is what happens when you deliberately slow things down and seek to understand others’ inner worlds, as Ximena Vengoechea expressed in a brilliant article on the subject.
What happens if I try all of this and it doesn’t work out?
These pointers are exactly that – pointers, not a full-proof plan. There’s a chance that they might work, but there’s also the sigh of cynicism that they might not. In the case of the latter, here are a few more things to note:
If one party isn’t willing to really try, or is committed to misunderstanding you, you’re probably wasting your breath. If you both try and things still can’t be ironed out, then what happens next is accepting that this mountain can’t be moved, and you can agree to disagree.
If resolution doesn’t blossom, or if someone reverts back to not wanting to understand due to their own inner world, understand that you can’t control that.
Releasing control is another huge part of effective communication. You can’t control what you hear, nor if you’d like it. What you can control is your response, and how you choose to move forward.
ALSO SEE:
FEATURE: Pinterest
