Who do you turn to when there’s a problem? Our relationship experts – including Phillip Hodson, Janet Ellis, Suzi Godson and Julie Gottman – channel their professional and life experience to answer all of your sex- and marriage-related questions.
Question:
Our marriage is ‘good enough’, but recently I met an old boyfriend who contacted me on Facebook. Feeling sexy and exciting again made me wonder about seeing him more. Neither of us want a divorce, but could rediscovering my sensual side make married sex better?
Answer:
Julie says, “No! There’s nothing like a betrayal to destroy a marriage. Our research shows that affairs are almost always discovered. And when they are, the entire marriage crumbles. Trust forms the cornerstone of marriage. So how about experimenting with your husband instead? Inject some fantasy play into your relationship, make love in the shower or surprise him with a sexy DVD. There are lots of ways to reclaim your sensuality without breaking the marriage in the process.”
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Phillip replies: “That sounds a bit like special pleading. ‘Can I have an affair, please? It will do my marriage good, honest!’ On the other hand, many people do take lovers and sometimes find what they are looking for. The only problem is the price. Go ahead and you compromise truth and loyalty. In the worst-case scenario, you lose your family and have to start over. So ask yourself: do I really believe the grass is greener? My suggestion is you try to convert this passion into pleasure with your present partner. Imagine he’s a former boyfriend – or several of them.”
Question:
I put on weight after having children and my body image makes me inhibited. How can I feel good about myself again?
Answer:
“Start celebrating what your body can do – rather than what it is not. Get active: try walking, jogging, swimming or yoga,” suggests Julie. “The more you love what your body can do, the less appearance matters. And remember, you delivered those beautiful children. Talk about strength!”
ALSO SEE: Expert Ways To Boost Your Self-Esteem
Question:
Every time we argue, he thinks sex is the magic make-up solution. How can I get him to deal with the real issue?
Answer:
“If this is the only time you have sex, then this problem might need a professional solution,” Julie points out. “But if it’s just a habit then examine how it arose. How do you end your arguments? With tears, silence or shouting? Both of you need to get better at resolution. Explain that your sex life is too precious to be used as currency. If you make up before making love, both of you will feel generous and satisfied.”
“I think you should ask yourself the same question,” says Phillip. “You’re consenting to take part in the sex and you are the one encouraging your husband to think that making love is an acceptable peace move. Therefore, I’m afraid it’s you who must resist his obviously considerable charms by saying: ‘Hold it right there, buster. I need you to settle the argument first.’ Your dilemma is a classic instance of: ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got!’”
ALSO SEE: 5 Ways To Make Married Sex More Fun
Question:
I’ve met a lovely new man, but he’s very reluctant to experiment sexually. I’ve always been highly sexed, and although my ex and I certainly had our differences, we were sexually compatible. Do I have to settle for vanilla sex to stay with my new partner?
Answer:
“The best basis for a happy and fulfilling sexual relationship is liking and being attracted to each other, and you’ve obviously got that sorted,” explains Janet. “Try introducing new things gradually and let him react in his own time – rushing him will scare him, and make him feel he’s not contributing to your satisfaction. He’s getting to know you, so make sure there aren’t three of you in bed – you can be grateful for all that your ex did for you, but he’s not invited now! By beginning to truly see and feel your new man, you’ll also probably discover new things together, too.”
Question:
I am post-menopause and have met that ‘special someone’, but while my brain tells me I like him, my body does nothing about it. How can I improve my libido?
Answer:
Suzi says: “I would urge you to consider whether you are expecting your ‘special someone’ to crank up a rusty libido that you have failed to keep oiled. Arousal and orgasm are a response mechanism and, like any other part of the body, the more you exercise those responses, the better and stronger they will be. Invest in a good vibrator and lubricant. Reacquaint yourself with the sensations of arousal and orgasm until you become more confident about your sexual response. Boost your system with magnesium, zinc, evening primrose oil and wild yam supplements, and cook with plenty of ginger and chilli. Increase soya intake to boost phytoestrogens, and take lots of exercise for strength and stamina. With your partner, get used to seeing and feeling each other naked, and focus on intimacy and sensuality initially.”
ALSO SEE: How To Make A Relationship Last
Question:
How can I become attracted to my husband again? He’s lost any sense of romance, and intimacy has disappeared from our relationship.
Answer:
“Try banishing the kids and inviting him to a romantic dinner at home,” Julie suggests. “Begin by asking him intimate questions that unlock mind and heart. Try these: What is one dream you still wish you could fulfil? What are you most proud of? What do you consider your greatest success of the last year? What legacy do you wish to leave behind? Share your answers, too, and the resulting connection you hopefully make may blow some much-needed oxygen into the embers of your relationship, and rekindle it anew.”
Phillip answers, “If each of us looked with a cold eye on the precise behaviour, wrinkles and muffin tops of our dearly beloveds, we’d probably replace them. You need to cultivate the ‘historical’ eye – remembering the guy when he was at his best, too. That said, there’s no excuse for sex-lazy men who just shout at the TV. What to do? Develop new interests, get fitter, wear a little more lipstick, go out more and remind him you find him good-looking. Men are always better managed than pushed.”
ALSO SEE: 5 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life
Question:
In a busy relationship, should you schedule sex?
Answer:
“I don’t think ‘schedule’ is the right word, but I know what you mean,” responds Phillip. “Most days are governed by to-do lists. We all get impatient with them. It’s no way to treat your love life. Instead, I suggest you try to schedule ‘time’. Book an appointment with each other just to be together, only agreeing that you will hug and kiss. Give yourselves the opportunity to lose your clothes, but never attempt to mandate passion. The only exception to this is if sex still never occurs. Then you do have a problem that must be dealt with, as one person isn’t being honest.”
Suzi says, “Although planning sex makes it sound like a chore, look at it this way: working out the ‘when’, ‘what’ and ‘how’ can send levels of anticipation through the roof. During the course of the day, kissing, hugging, hand holding or play fighting will keep you sexually charged. You should also use instant messaging, e-mail or SMSes to prime yourselves for later. If you need a bit of help to get things started, changing the venue is an easy way to give your sex life a shot of adrenalin.”
