The holidays can be full of light, but for many our loved ones battling with eating disorders, the festive season is not very bright. It can bring intense anxiety, shame and triggers. If someone you love is struggling, your presence, planning and compassion can make the difference between a painful few weeks and a season they survive with dignity and safety.

Why the holidays are especially hard

Holiday culture places enormous attention on food, bodies and celebrations where eating is central — family dinners, office parties, friendship gatherings and alcohol. Changes to routine, travel, crowded social situations and pressure to “be merry” can make it harder for someone to stick with recovery strategies. Even well-meaning comments about weight, dieting or indulgence can be deeply triggering.

First things first: learn and listen

Educate yourself

Learn basics about the type of eating disorder your loved one is facing (anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating, ARFID, orthorexia, etc.).

Ask, then listen

“How are you feeling about the holidays?” opens more doors than assumptions. Let them set boundaries and share what helps or harms. You don’t need to have all the answers — being calm and present matters more than perfect advice.

Practical planning — before the event

Make a short plan together (if they’re willing) so both of you know what to expect.

• Discuss the menu and whether they want to know the food options in advance, or would prefer no details.

• Agree on language: Ask family to avoid “diet talk,” comments about body shape, and jokes about overeating. Provide a simple note or group message if needed.

• Set roles that don’t center on food. Offer to set the table, control music, or host games so they aren’t focused on food prep or cleanup.

• Plan arrival/departure windows. Shorter visits may be less triggering. Having the option to step outside or leave early reduces pressure.

• Create a “safe person” plan. Decide who they can text or sit next to if they feel triggered. This gives them an immediate safety net during family events.

At the table: gentle, practical strategies

Mealtimes are the most charged moments. Small changes help:

• Avoid food policing. Don’t comment on portion sizes, “treat” vs “healthy” labels, or how much someone is or isn’t eating.

• Make food neutral. Describe food neutrally (“roast potatoes,” not “sinful pudding”) and avoid moral language (“good” or “bad” foods).

• Offer choices and control. Let your loved one plate their food if they want control, or offer pre-plated options so they don’t have to navigate a buffet if that stresses them.

• Focus conversation elsewhere. Prepare non-food topics in advance (shared memories, movies, music, upcoming plans) and steer the group gently if food/body talk starts.

• Be patient about leftovers or substitutions. If someone refuses a particular food, do not make it a spectacle. Accept the choice and keep the atmosphere calm.

What to say (and what not to say) — sample scripts

Words matter. Here are short lines you can use:

• If they seem anxious: “I can see this is hard. Do you want to step outside for five minutes or sit with me for a bit?”

• If family starts diet talk: “Let’s try focusing on catching up — how’s your year been?”

• If they skip food: “I’m here with you. No pressure.”

• If you’re worried they’re unwell: “I care about you and I’ve noticed some changes (give one factual example). Would you let me help you make an appointment or call someone together?”

Pro tip: Try to avoid comments like: “You look fine,” “Just enjoy it,” “One day won’t matter,” or offering weight-loss or diet tips. These minimize the experience and can deepen shame.

If your loved one is in recovery — reinforce their plan

If they’re working with a therapist, dietitian or a family-based treatment program, ask how you can support their specific goals (e.g., timing of meals, exposure to certain foods, coping statements). Follow their treatment plan rather than imposing your own rules.

Red flags — when to escalate

Know the warning signs that require urgent professional help or medical attention:

• Severe changes in eating or fluid intake (refusal to eat for days, recurrent binge-purge cycles).

• Rapid weight loss, fainting, dizziness, chest pain, severe abdominal pain, persistent vomiting, or fainting — these can be medical emergencies. Call emergency services or a GP immediately.

If you’re unsure, reach out to a specialist helpline for immediate guidance (see resources below).

Pro tip: Contact Eating Disorders South Africa (EDSA) – the local support groups and contacts for South Africa.

Look after yourself — you can’t pour from an empty cup

Supporting someone with an eating disorder can be emotionally draining. Protect your own wellbeing:

Set boundaries

It’s okay to say what you can and cannot do (for example, you’ll attend the dinner but won’t police food).

Get support

Talk to friends, a therapist, or peer groups for carers. Orginisations highlight the importance of carer support to prevent burnout.

Keep your own plans

If a gathering becomes harmful to you (e.g., constant conflict), it’s reasonable to step away. Your safety matters too.

You don’t have to “fix” the disorder to help. Your role over the holidays is to reduce shame, lower pressure, and keep pathways to help open. A calm question, a steady presence, and practical planning can transform a terrifying season into a manageable one.

Recovery is rarely linear — showing up, listening without judgment, and encouraging professional support are gifts that last well beyond December.

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Midlife metabolism myths: what really changes and how to respond

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