Not all families can spend long periods of time together, blissfully enjoying each other’s company, laughing and swapping out funny memories. Some families have incompatible personalities. Emotions run high and the feeling of guilt arises when you just can’t get along. Sometimes, love is not enough.
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You love them, but you don’t always like them. Family relationships are often assumed to be effortless, as though a shared bloodline automatically equals likability. But some of the most complex dynamics arise when personalities within a family are simply not compatible, often leading to conflict and distance. It might be clashing communication styles, differing values or unresolved, festering tension. It’s beneficial to learn how to coexist peacefully to protect the emotional well-being of all the parties involved.
Accept that compatibility isn’t guaranteed
One of the biggest sources of frustration is the belief that because you’re family, you should get along. But incompatible personalities exist outside of bloodlines, so why wouldn’t they in family? Once you accept this, it can feel quite freeing. You don’t need to deeply connect with each and every family member to maintain a respectful relationship. Let go of unrealistic expectations, which will reduce resentment and create space for much calmer interactions.
Focus on boundaries, not behaviour
Conflict happens when you want to change a relative’s behaviour – you might not even be aware that it’s what you’re doing. Instead, focus on what you can control. Is there a topic you need to avoid? How much time can you realistically spend time with them? Decide what behaviour you won’t engage with and calmly communicate these boundaries. Enforce them consistently. This will make your interactions feel manageable.
Adjust how you communicate
Personality clashes often stem from different ways of communication. Someone might be direct and you get triggered because you feel attacked, which might derail the conversation and end up as a fight. Tailor your communication in order to reduce tension without suppressing your emotions. Teach yourself to speak neutrally and slowly but also how to gently disengage from triggering conversations.
Manage your triggers
Family members often know exactly which buttons to push. Sometimes, a reaction, however dramatic and negative, is the only way people can connect. Beware of your triggers (but also how you trigger them) and pause before responding.
When distance is the kindest option
Sometimes, limited physical contact is the healthiest choice. Perhaps you can only love them from a distance – it doesn’t mean failure, but rather self-preservation. However, if you really value physical proximity, do consider family counselling or therapy. It can be immensely helpful for unearthing years-long tension. Just maybe there’s a couple of things you need to forgive each other for.
Final thoughts
A healthy family relationship is how you decide it will be. It doesn’t have to look warm or close. Sometimes, the glue that binds you all is a shared family name you can be proud of and mutual respect, while everyone’s peace is maintained.
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