Feel as though you’re always trying to keep pace with your more adventurous friends? Envious of the colleagues who can afford to retire early while you’re still slogging away? Comparing yourself to others is something that we all do – it’s human instinct.
“Comparison has been hardwired into our DNA for thousands of years,”explains therapist Marisa Peer. “Previously, in order to stay alive, we learnt how to do things by watching others. It really was the survival of the fittest.”
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Therapist Marisa Peer and psychologist Dawn Baxter share 7 tips for overcoming the curse of comparison.
Get curious
Look out for ’emotional landmines’. Having strong emotions when comparing yourself to others is the brain’s way of sending you an important message, says Dawn. “When you have that twinge of comparison, bring it to the conscious and challenge it. Ask yourself, ‘What am I feeling?’ and ‘Where does this stem from?’ Almost all reactions of this type come down to fear and lack of self-esteem.”
Be your own cheerleader
Write down a list of your strengths and positive qualities. “This can seem an alien concept as we’re hardwired to be humble and celebrating yourself may feel like ‘bragging’ – but it’s not,” says Marisa. “It boosts your self-esteem and reminds you why you are a wonderful human being and how you contribute to the world.” At times when comparing yourself to others makes
you doubt your worth, come back to this list.
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Stay in your lane
Focus on your own goals and work on achieving them in your own time. “Put together a plan, map it out, set realistic timelines, and stay consistent,” says Marisa. “Avoid getting distracted by the ‘noise’ of what others are doing, as this can be demotivating and you’ll be less likely to achieve your targets.”
Practice authenticity
Aim to be true to yourself both person and online. “This is important, as comparison encourages a competitive ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ attitude,” says Dawn. Be aware of your role in this cycle and try to live your life unapologetically as you are – it will then become easier to recognise when you are pitting yourself against others.
Be realistic
People often only share positive highlights, which is what you may be comparing yourself to. So, if you’re feeling envious or disheartened by the fantastic lives of others, Marisa encourages you to remember that you’re likely only seeing a snapshot – not the full picture. Everybody has a ‘behind- the-scenes’ version of their life, complete with good and bad days.
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Speak your feelings
After spending the evening with a loved-up couple, would you question whether your own relationship is on the rocks? If you notice negative spiralling thoughts such as these, say them out loud to yourself, suggests Dawn. “What we accept from our internal voice often sounds ridiculous when spoken.” This trick will help you to snap out of rumination.
Unfollow unhelpful social media
Is scrolling old school friends on Facebook your guilty pleasure? Do you often dig for info about your neighbours to see how they stack up? “Recognise this behaviour for what it is and shut down opportunities to spiral into comparison-led self-pity,” says Dawn. “It’s very easy to search for self-esteem-sabotaging evidence.” Unfollow or mute unhelpful social media accounts, and question your motivation when being nosy about others.
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