The need to be chosen has led to many women feeling unfulfilled, unable to set and uphold boundaries and always passively waiting for external validation. We end up feeling not enough and attach too much value to being liked. Letting go of this need requires a mindset shift, and this is how to do it.
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Many women don’t realise how much their lives are shaped by the need to be chosen, whether in love, friendships or career. It’s subtle, often unconscious and deeply ingrained. We learn to be agreeable, accommodating and always at our best in the hope that someone will pick us, validate us and make us feel worthy.
But this quiet ‘auditioning’ comes at a cost. It pulls us away from who we really are at our core and keeps our self-worth dependent on external validation.
Choose radical self-love
If more women realised how magical it was to have their own intrinsic worth affirmed, they would never seek outside validation. Prioritise your own health, career goals and happiness rather than abandoning your needs to accommodate others. Tell yourself daily: ‘I am enough.’
Shift from ‘chosen’ to ‘chooser’
Waiting to be chosen is a passive exercise. Instead of wondering if someone likes you, ask yourself if you like them and if they’d meet your standards. Analyse whether a situation, person or job aligns with your values instead of trying to fit into theirs. This shift can be transformative.
Stop performing for approval
Show up authentically in every situation. Genuine connections don’t require you to audition or prove yourself. If a situation feels draining because you have to uphold your social ‘avatar’, it’s a sign to drop the mask and walk away.
Heal the need for validation
Perhaps in childhood you felt you had to behave a certain way to be loved. Maybe love was withdrawn from you when you showed up in a way that made others uncomfortable. Work through those memories but understand that needing to be chosen was the result of inconsistent love from others. Forgive, and realise that the need to be chosen is not a reflection of your true worth.
Learn to be comfortable alone
Embrace solitude. Go on solo dates and adventures. This will break the habit of using relationships to feel secure.
The bottom line
Cultivating these habits will help you to stop outsourcing your sense of self and start building it from within. Be intentional about it. You were never meant to spend your life waiting to be chosen. When you choose yourself, you define happiness for yourself – and then the adventure begins.
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What self-love looks like in real life (Hint: it’s not just bubble baths)
Featured image: Freepik
