Passive-aggressive behaviour may not be blatantly hostile but it’s still emotionally exhausting. Even more so when such behaviour comes from your partner. They may avoid direct confrontation, gaslight their partner, give the silent treatment, make snide remarks veiled as jokes or choose to be willingly uncooperative. This has a negative effect on one’s mental health and can make you feel drained.
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Recognise the signs
Passive-aggression is when a person indirectly expresses anger, annoyance or negativity instead of communicating their feelings or needs. While we’re all guilty of such behaviour from time to time, it’s another story when dealing with it in a relationship. Identifying it is key. It often looks like sulking, subtle sabotage, sarcasm or procrastination. The person will often choose to express their disapproval in indirect ways.
Be direct but calm
Use clear communication and resist the impulse to mirror their energy with sarcasm or defensiveness. Instead of saying ‘You never speak up’, try saying ‘You’ve been quiet lately. Is something bothering you?’. Don’t be accusatory, which can cause conflict. Rather invite honest dialogue.
Set boundaries
Just because you care or love your partner doesn’t mean you are responsible for deciphering their emotional cues. If they consistently avoid accountability, it’s vital to set clear boundaries about how you wish to be treated. Make them understand that being indirect is not useful, and that you’re open to resolving issues when they’re ready to talk. If all else fails, let them know you’re prepared to exit the relationship.
Don’t take it personally
Passive-aggression is often rooted in deep insecurities or a fear of conflict, possibly stemming from childhood. It may be frustrating but it’s not necessarily about you – it’s a learned behaviour. Focus on the things you can control like your response, expectations and emotional health.
Seek support if necessary
If the behaviour from your partner is affecting your mental health or self-esteem, or causing chronic stress, consider counselling, either individually or as a couple. A therapist can help you explore better ways to communicate and understand one another. Successful relationships are about mutual respect and honesty. You deserve to have all your needs met.
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