Bickering over money erodes the foundation of your relationship. No two people think alike, and differences of opinion can cause major conflict.
Poor or reckless financial decisions affect your security in a relationship. Feeling financially secure is a basic need, and if this is damaged, it can lead to anger, resentment and disrespect. This leads to destructive behaviour, such as hiding money.
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These cracks will widen, causing permanent damage to the relationship if not addressed properly. To help couples beat those odds, we’re sharing a few tips on how to navigate finances as a pair:
Married people are richer
There are undeniable financial advantages to being married; numerous studies have shown that married couples are wealthier over the long term compared to their single counterparts.
Recently, the 2022 United States Census Bureau found a significant correlation between marital status and a person’s wealth. According to their findings, the average net worth of married-couple households far exceeds that of households headed by unmarried people. As long as you manage your money well, being married builds wealth by combining your incomes, assets and time.
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No money, no honey
Whether you’re married or single, money is a fundamental part of life. Neglecting your finances leads to many complicated situations, including having no financial protection if you become ill, an inability to educate your children and not being able to save for your retirement, meaning you may become a financial burden to your children in the future.
When you get married, you can protect yourself financially, to some extent, by signing an ante-nuptial contract. ‘This contract sets out how your money will be dealt when the marriage ends, either through death or divorce,’ explains Sue Torr, the managing director at Crue Invest. ‘The same is true for long-term partnerships you have a cohabitation agreement in place,’ she says.
You may have ticked the legal boxes, but financial stress daily can lead to mental health issues like depression and anxiety, according to Tracy Ziman Jacobs, an intimacy and relationship coach at Totally Me. Failure to address this causes a disconnect between a couple, putting enormous strain on their relationship. ‘Working together to find solutions can bring them closer together,’ she adds
Different strokes for different folks
Arguments over money are usually rooted in differing approaches and attitudes towards money instead of specific events. This leads to unhealthy financial habits such as debt, overspending or a lack of desire to save for the future.
According to Sue, differing work ethics also play a significant role. ‘One spouse can be ambitious and hard-working while the other is happy to generate just enough to make ends meet,’ she explains. ‘This can be enormously frustrating for the ambitious partner, who can grow resentful at having to shoulder the bigger burden of generating the family’s wealth.’
In Tracy’s view, the reasons for these differences are largely due to our upbringing. Our childhood experiences shape our financial values and behaviour, but not always in a positive way. ‘Seeing a parent who has a gambling problem or who spends the family money dishonestly [for example] can lead to poor financial habits,’ she says.
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Financial infidelity
Financial infidelity undermines the foundation of the relationship. It’s a financial breach of trust that can take many forms, such as lying about purchases, gambling on the sly, concealing your income, secretly lending money to family or friends or incurring debt without telling your partner.
Rebuilding trust is extremely difficult once it’s been harmed. However, it’s not impossible, in Sue’s view. She recommends that you start by understanding what caused the infidelity in the first place. Perhaps your partner feels micromanaged and lies about their purchases as a result. Or they are being emotionally blackmailed by a family member to lend them money. ‘First get to the root cause and then work from there,’ she suggests.
Honest conversations
Before entering into a long-term relationship, you should talk about money. Sue urges couples to explore these issues to better understand their partner and find common ground:
- What happens if a family member or close friend requests a loan?
- Do you want to own property?
- How do you feel about debt?
- What amount of debt would make you feel insecure?
- Do you want your children to attend private schools?
- Does one of you want to give up your job to raise children? If so, how would this work?
- How will the finances be handled in the relationship?
Approach this discussion with an open mind, free of judgement or preconceived ideas. ‘Do it early on,’ she advises. ‘Don’t wait until issues arise, because then it’s too late. There will already be resentment, and tempers will flare.’
Getting to know you
If you and your partner have diverging views around money, Tracy suggests that you start by exploring your partner’s childhood experiences with money and how this affected them as adults. ‘If we are open to listening and learning from each other, we can achieve goals together,’ she advises.
Take time to unpack and understand your partner’s financial value system. Debt can be a huge source of tension. ‘If one partner has high anxiety with debt but the other partner is far more comfortable with debt, this can cause problems,’ Sue explains. ‘Having zero debt is unrealistic, so you need to agree on a level of debt that is acceptable to the debt-averse partner while also being fair to the other partner’s goals.’
The same is true if one partner has an expensive hobby. Work together to find a solution: agree on a budget that allows the hobbyist to enjoy his pastime while not jeopardising the family’s lifestyle.
Expert help
If you need assistance, enlist in professional relationship or money coach or an independent financial adviser with couples coaching experience. They will assist you in exploring and comprehending your differences. ‘Money is not just about numbers,’ Sue concludes. ‘Finding the right coach or financial adviser allows you to better understand each other and commit to achieving your goals together.
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