Many of us have dreamt of moving in with our friends – even if it’s just a flight of fancy. The fun! The freedom! Whether you’re single or weary of living with the same person, it could offer you a new lease of life. A grown-up version of those student days or your first flatshare – except with more space and money, and no need to stick your name on the milk.
Actress Joanna Lumley – married for 35 years – has declared she and her friends have a plan: “Rather than reach the stage where we’re old and alone, we plan to buy a big house, install a housekeeper and enjoy our twilight years.” We can all dream, but in reality, what would midlife cohabiting truly be like?
Sally-mae Joseph knows, because in 2016, she and two friends bought a house together.
‘It all started over a drink in the pub with a friend I’d met through the local choir. I was 65, divorced, with four grown- up kids and nine grandchildren, and I wanted to retire from teaching.’
‘I’d been thinking of downsizing to release equity from my house, but when my widowed friend said she’d been mulling over the prospect of buying a house with female friends, we began to get excited. It felt like a huge adventure when four of us started house-hunting, though other people thought we were nuts. We were able to look at big houses that would have been beyond my wildest dreams on my own. And our enthusiasm was undiminished, even when one dropped out, realising she couldn’t face sharing a kitchen.’
‘When a detached house with four en-suite bedrooms came on the market, we fell in love. It had huge rooms, a beautiful, landscaped garden, and a garage I could convert into an art studio. If we sold our modest homes, we could afford a three way split of the equity. Perfect! We agreed on our bedrooms there and then.’
‘With the help of a solicitor, we drew up a deed of trust that tied us into the property, with financial penalties if any of us wanted to leave before three years were up. Three months later, we moved in and threw a birthday party for 100 guests.’
‘After living alone, I loved watching TV and eating together, taking it in turns to cook. It felt special that we could care for each other in that way. We all liked a glass of wine and people would pop in all the time, so we kept a calendar of who was coming to eat or staying in the guest room. Our unusual arrangement was the talk of the town and we became known for having the best parties. A young film-maker even made a movie about us called The Golden Girls!’
‘As with any living arrangement, compromises had to be made. I couldn’t turn my music up as loudly as I’d have liked. When my young grandsons visited, I had to be mindful that their noise did not disturb the others. If any important issues arose, we would have a meeting at the kitchen table.’
‘After three years or so, the dynamics began to pull us in different directions. When our different tastes in TV emerged, I’d end up watching on my iPad in my room, missing the days when we’d be watching together. When one of the other’s children moved across the country, she decided to follow, meaning she needed to sell her share of the house.’
‘We couldn’t afford to buy her out and didn’t want to invite anyone else in when our group was so established, so we put the house on the market. Even though it was during lockdown, it sold relatively easily, which again told me the timing must be right. We split the proceeds and, although there was some sadness, we all agreed that it had been a wonderful experience.’
‘I went on to start a new adventure, renovating a house of my own. I keep busy with my art, which I exhibit in local galleries. I also have a big telly of my own, and the freedom to lie on my back with music blasting as loud as I like, or make mud pies with the grandkids. My houseshare was a positive experience and I learnt a lot about others and myself. My advice is to think carefully about all the necessary considerations – then go for it!’
Is co-housing a good alternative to loneliness?
With loneliness considered as big a health risk as smoking, it’s little wonder that co-housing projects are popping up all over, with singles and couples living close, but not too close, in smaller apartments with access to shared amenities.
Environmental concerns, rising house prices, a desire to release equity and, for many, a desire for a simpler, more meaningful life post-pandemic seems to be fuelling the boom.
Cohousing schemes, or resident- run communities, originated in Denmark in the 1960s, and their popularity spread across Scandinavia, Germany, the Netherlands and the States. In the UK, the Cohousing Network (cohousing.org.uk) is at the heart of the growing movement, with established and developing communities all over the country.
One such is Cannock Mill in Colchester, Essex, which has houses purpose-built for low- energy bills, with shared outdoor space and a ‘common house’ with sun deck. Most of the residents are over 55 years old, and there’s room for all to gather for a meal or movie.
‘Homeworking can be lonely,’ says one happy occupant, Eve Tibber, 57. ‘But not here. When I take a coffee break, I’m usually joined by other Millers.’ Community members share their skills and experience, from pottery, beekeeping, gardening and beyond.
‘Our weekly mindfulness meditation sessions give me a real sense of connection to the other members,’ says a retired resident, Jane Ferguson, ‘and a great feeling of calmness.’
Shared from the February 2024 issue of Woman&Home. For more, find us on shelves!
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