Is being kind killing you?

“One of the most time- consuming and painful things I’ve had to do since my mom passed away is sort through cupboards (and cupboards) full of her beloved needlework stuff. Recently, I offered 12 neat, colour-ordered boxes full of high-end embroidery thread on a local online community site, free for ‘someone who could make use of them’, and after about 30 seconds had to switch off the comments, as the demand was overwhelming.

The ‘rules’ of such an offer – as with most things – is first come, first served. But just as I was responding to lucky Number One, Number Eight’s words caught my eye: ‘Perhaps it would be nice for you to share them with everyone, Samantha?’

I didn’t want to share them, I wanted someone to collect the lot and swiftly remove this last emotional reminder of death. But suddenly, I felt judged, as if giving them all to just one person would be seen as unkind and not the ‘right’ thing to do.
‘You’re mad,’ said my husband, finding me on the floor in tears after three hours of trying to divide hundreds of shades into equal bundles (because surely it wouldn’t be nice to give someone a box of mainly greys?).

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‘Why didn’t you just say no?’ But saying no when someone asks something of you just seems so wrong, doesn’t it? ‘This is a typical case of people- pleasing, which a vast number of women do, as we’ve been raised to believe that if we’re kind, helpful and supportive, we’ll be an asset to society and – perhaps more importantly – we’ll be liked, something that has been vital to our evolution,’ says Coactive Transformation Coach Aisling Gray.

‘Women are also more empathetic than men, so it’s natural for us to want to look after the needs and feelings of others. However, this can quickly become detrimental to our own well-being and opens us up to feelings of overload – and also to being taken advantage of.’

Recent research found that women were more likely than men to describe themselves as people-pleasers and, as a result, are finding that they’re suffering from adverse effects on both their mental and physical health. So, why are we still doing it? Kindness or weakness?

As well as being more empathetic than men (scientifically proven!), Aisling explains that women are more likely to take on caring responsibilities due to cultural expectations and pay inequalities that make it financially more viable for women to step back from their careers to look after children or elderly parents, for example. But often, acts of kindness can snowball, until we can’t – or don’t know how to – stop.

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Despite her recently battling breast cancer and working 40 hours a week, I have a friend who is forever picking up other people’s kids, shopping for elderly neighbours, delivering thoughtful care packages and collecting for charity on the high street. She regularly admits to me that she’s wrung out and utterly exhausted, but then she dashes off again, running another errand for someone else.

‘Looking after others can be incredibly rewarding, but there’s a tipping point,’ warns Aisling. ‘Kindness without boundaries leads to depletion and a place where there are no winners.’ Mindset Coach Catherine Baudino agrees, adding that constantly putting the needs of others ahead of our own compromises our authenticity, as we’re not being our true selves; instead we’re being what others expect us to be.

We might even end up going against our core values at times – because saying yes has become easier and more comfortable than saying no.

‘Once you are too used to doing things for others, it becomes difficult to admit that you’re struggling,’ says Catherine. ‘But ignoring or suppressing your own needs can quickly lead to resentment, and you’re likely to end up feeling anger towards the recipients to which you were simply trying to show kindness to in the first place.’

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Caring culture

As well as being taught to be kind as children, kindness has become a bit of a mantra in our adult lives too, with popular ‘motivational’ quotes, such as ‘In a world where you can be anything, be kind!’ adding an extra layer of social pressure.

But the idea that we have to be going out of our way to constantly show kindness can add to our mental load, causing feelings of overwhelm, guilt and inadequacy.

‘No one is saying that you need to stop considering people’s feelings or helping others altogether – you can still be kind, but safely within your boundaries,’ says Aisling. ‘Kindness needs to start with yourself, by understanding and honouring your true capacity. By putting your own oxygen mask on first, you’ll be in the best position to give generously and fully to others.’

You’re giving too much if you:

• Want to help people out so they like you.
• Feel exhausted, overstretched or burnt out.
• Are starting to feel used.
• Feel angry or resentful when people ask for something.
• Notice that doing things for others is affecting your physical or mental health

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Show compassion the healthy way

Consider what motivates you

How does the level of kindness that you’re showing to others really serve you? If the act itself fills your cup, carry on. But if you’re trying to please someone else, you’re wanting to be liked or validating yourself in some way, then take some time to reflect on why.

‘People-pleasing goes beyond simple kindness, because at its core we are editing our own lives for the sake of someone else’s feelings, which can erode our self-esteem, confidence and ability to show up fully in the world,’ says Sobriety Coach Gill McKay. ‘The first step in truly being kind to others is learning to be kind to yourself, and simple boundary setting is the ultimate act of self-care.’