Relationship experts, Janet Ellis and Phillip Hodson answer your difficult questions about fundamental issues affecting relationships with your husband or partner.
Question: Alone for five years after a divorce, I’ve now met a wonderful man. He wants a future together and so do I – but I don’t fancy him. Can you find passion if there’s no chemistry?
Answer: Phillip says, “If you don’t like him to the point of repulsion, then there’s little point in prolonging the agony. If, however, you like his personality, and enjoy holding hands at least, then there’s hope. Many couples enjoy wonderful love-making without feeling an initial romantic impulse, it’s often the case in arranged marriages.
“Generally sex gets better with familiarity, confidence and kindness. You’ll never meet the perfect man in every way. And you’ve already waited five years to meet this guy. My advice is to take things a lot further and see whether the physical side gets better with experience.
Question: I took my husband back after an affair because I still love him but I’ve gone off sex. What shall I do?
Answer: Janet says, “You’ve already made the big decision about staying together, but now you have to choose a future that includes falling in love again. Don’t choose sex for a while because even if you can forgive a partner’s sexual infidelity, you can hardly get straight back to where you were before his affair.
“Start slowly, like you did when you first met. What about going on an afternoon movie outing, followed by cocktails? He needs to woo you again and you need to let the love that you still feel for him develop and grow into a new sexual attraction.”
Question: My marriage of 20 years is good, but the spark has gone. I’ve dropped hints but my husband isn’t attentive and I’m feeling bored and neglected. How can I get him to realise the importance of spontaneous romance?
Answer: Janet says, “There’s nothing to stop you being romantic, even if it’s one-sided. Of course, a gesture from him would be great, so do you have a sister or friend who can spell it out for him, then organise it all? Then, just act surprised and enjoy the moment.
“But, if you have a good marriage, then there’s love, and he probably shows it in albeit unsparkly ways. Those early morning cups of tea, the way he lets you choose a movie most nights, that’s what being loved feels like.”
DISCLAIMER: You must not rely on the information on this website/newsletter as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare provider