It’s a given that married sex can become less frequent and passionate. But, with a few tweaks, it could be the best you’ve ever had…
If sex is something that comes just above defrosting the fridge, but way below finishing the ironing on your to-do list, it might be time for a reshuffle. Scheduling sex may not sound terribly romantic, but it’s a great way to ensure it does happen!
“If you wait until you both feel in the mood to make love, you’ll never get round to it,” says therapist and sex expert Elisabeth Wilson, author of Re-energise Your Sex Life. “Sex is crucial to a good marriage and, frankly, the ironing can wait. Make a date at least once a week and carve it in stone – no excuses.”
Diarising sex takes the pressure off you both, because it’s written down and gives you something to look forward to. Think up a silly code word so the children don’t twig. Doing it at unusual times helps too. If you’re tired at night, get hot and steamy in the shower first thing.
Make it quick
If you do it right, a naughty quickie can deliver the thrills married sex has often lost. There is a place for slow, romantic sex with lots of flattering lights and foreplay, but spontaneous and super fast changes the pace in more ways than one.
“Don’t doubt the aphrodisiac qualities of a quickie,” says Elisabeth. “Think of adultery. No, I’m not suggesting that you have an affair, but couples in these illicit ‘relationships’ believe they are in the grips of the greatest passion, when in fact what they’re actually experiencing is just sneaky, fast sex. It’s very addictive.”
Try having a quickie five minutes before you’re due to go to work or before you’re expecting guests. There’s nothing like initiating a speedy, giggly, shirt-fumbling knee-trembler to make him feel desirable. It’s the equivalent of him buying you a dozen roses. It’ll bring colour to your cheeks and make you want to do the delicious act all over again.
A little bit of effort to surprise your partner with a new seduction technique or outfit can reap huge rewards, according to Laura Corn, sexpert and author of 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex. And the great thing about being married is that you’re comfortable enough with each other to try something new.
Send sexy SMSes to each other. Start early in the morning and, by the evening, you won’t be able to keep your hands off each other. “Sexy surprises can be anything you like – funny, filthy or just romantic,” says Laura. “As long as it’s something unexpected.” Try a few sex toys – easily accessible on the Internet if you can’t face popping into a sex shop. Or what about trying sex outside? Be subtle and discreet, though – you don’t want to get arrested or frighten the neighbours!
Enjoy the endless benefits
Sex is the ultimate multitasking activity. According to studies, it combines raising self-esteem with a light workout and a boost to the immune system. If you have sex every day, you can happily wave goodbye to your life coach and personal trainer.
Making love also lowers stress, which in turn reduces the risk of heart disease, contributes to weight loss, relieves pain, reduces frequency of colds and flu, and improves bladder control. Studies have also shown that sex helps you live longer. According to Tracey Cox, sexpert and author of Hot Sex: How To Do It, an orgasm can boost the body’s white-cell count (the cells that fight infection) by 20%. So what are you waiting for?
Use it to reconnect with each other
Clever couples use lovemaking to turn problems around. “When you hit a bad patch – money worries, work stresses or issues with the kids – use sex to reconnect with each other and create intimacy,” says Elisabeth Wilson. “Sex should be the last thing to go, not the first. Use it to reach out, and let each other know that you’re in this together.”
Don’t wait until things get better to have sex. That time will never come. Sex is the best tool in your relationship arsenal to fight life’s battles. It stops you feeling alone and releases important feel-good chemicals to help you tackle whatever is wrong. If you’re ever in doubt or indecisive, have sex. If it’s passionate, enthusiastic and done with the person you love, what’s the worst that can happen?