Sometimes the heaviest things we carry cause harm to our health. Here’s why letting go of grudges can be the most healing act of all.
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Maybe the thought of a former friend who betrayed you causes your fists to ball up. Or you run into your old bully, and you wish them ill will. Maybe you think you’ve gotten over a painful divorce, but just seeing your ex conjures up feelings of resentment and bitterness, even after years have passed. That is the power of a grudge. And it can feel powerful – it makes us feel morally superior. We’d like to believe we wouldn’t cause another person the same pain. But it’s not the payback we think it is, and studies show that holding onto grudges can impact our lives in severe ways.
Impact on mental health
Holding a grudge keeps us anchored to the past, whether we’re aware of it or not. Some common signs include:
- Anxiety: perceived threat of how people may harm you
- Depression: disappointment, anger, and frustration fester if not worked through
- Aggression: fear of people taking advantage of you
- Dysregulation: struggling to control your emotions
- Persistent Pessimism: distrust in others’ motives
- Cognitive Decline: People who hold onto hostility are reportedly more likely to experience cognitive impairment
Effects on physical health
- Increased levels of stress
- High blood pressure
- Heart problems
- Lowered immunity
- Inflammation
- Chronic pain
How to create a space for forgiveness
As counterintuitive as it may seem, holding onto grudges hurts us more than the other person. They may even be blissfully unaware of the role they played in our pain. So the onus lies squarely on our shoulders to let go to heal. Here’s how:
- Tune into your emotions – acknowledge feelings without shame. Consider a therapist
- Have a good cry – it’s not weakness, it’s release
- Express anger in a healthy way – write letters and shred them afterwards, do a boxing workout, go axe-throwing
- Practise self-forgiveness and acceptance – give yourself grace for not knowing what you know now
- Engage in self-care – after unburdening yourself, honour your body and mind in soothing ways
Holding grudges may seem like a necessary response to being at the receiving end of people’s bad behaviour. But if it affects your overall health, something is amiss. Break the bond and transmute the pain into growth. If nothing else, you now have a deeper understanding of humanity, that we’re all deeply flawed, and that’s okay. Letting go doesn’t mean letting them off the hook; it’s putting your own well-being first.
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